Dear Ezekiel,

I have a male friend who is in the habit of constantly "adjusting himself". Is this normal? might he perhaps be harboring crabs in his trousers or some such thing? He is among a group of us who are planning a trip upstate for the weekend, and I am concerned for my health and well-being.

Thank you for your help and advice,
Crab-Free in NYC.



dear Crab-Free in NYC,

you know, this is a question i'm often asked ... for the answer, we're going to have to go all the way back to the mid-eighties. it was the reagan era, dr. ruth was queen of the bedroom, and michael jackson was moonwalking his way in the collective american heart as that poor guy who lost his other rhinestone-encrusted glove. no... wait... that's the answer to "Why did Yugo go out of business?"... although mr. jackson did grab his crotch a lot, nobody was really too offended because none of us were any too sure that he actually had any genitalia stashed in there... certainly not his own. i think we all just assumed that his zipper was still a little hot from the dryer. and he certainly wasn't driving a Yugo. so we just pretended not to notice and hoped he'd go off and try to buy the skeleton of the elephant man or something.*

no, for the answer to this question, we're going to have to go all the way back to the spanish inquisition when Juan de Fruite de la Loome invented 'tighty whities' as a means of torturing heretics. Juan would lash his heretics to big posts and blindfold them, clothed only in their restrictive loin gear. then one morning after they'd had a particularly restful sleep, Juan would come by and casually inform them that during the night, he'd removed that horrible growth in their private regions. unable to see or feel any actual flopping around down there, they'd believe him and utter an exclamation not unlike "holy shit!" but in spanish. whereupon juan would consider them successfully converted and set them on fire.

i think it's quite possible that your friend is a heretic. there's a simple litmus test for this sort of thing: the next time you're hanging out** with him, casually excuse yourself and leave the room. after an appropriate period of time, come running back into the room screaming "heretic! heretic!" and waving a torch around wildly. if you see genuine fear in your friend's eyes, he's probably a heretic and should be promptly set alight, just to be on the safe side.***

if, on the other hand, he simply chuckles and refers to you as "a card"**** then it's entirely possible that your friend is suffering from a simple case of rhomboids. rhomboids is a condition brought on by the re-growth of pubic hair that has been shaved in giddy anticipation of a weekend upstate with a couple of hot babes who, he is certain, want him for reindeer games on the bearskin rug. only the male of the species tends to suffer this malady, which is characterized by delusional over-confidence, repeated offers to do your laundry, and suspiciously long showers. rhomboids can actually be a chronic condition in some cases, but new studies show that outbreaks can be kept to a minimum simply by snickering***** whenever the infected comes into the room.

now, i have some of those earth-mother-loving, pagan-type friends who insist that this malady can be completely cured the natural way, simply by substituting folger's crystals for his regular coffee. but i dunno...

being a skeptic by nature, i usually just set them on fire.


-w-





*see "why should some people not be allowed to build amusement parks in their homes?"



** "hanging out" is slang for 'casually associating with' not a reference to exposed body parts.



*** it's best to do this little experiment in his apartment, not yours.



**** i have no fucking idea what this means.



***** snorting may be substituted for snickering, but you should never, under any circumstances giggle, as this can actually make the problem worse.

EzekielWoods@gmail.com

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